Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
