I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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