bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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