Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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