i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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