I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
