im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
