On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
