based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
