I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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