I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
