During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So I just went to clothing optional bar
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
