I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
