I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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