we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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