Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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