Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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