I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
