i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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