I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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