I am in a vortex of obligation.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
