my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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