Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize