I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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