Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I touched a dick in church today
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize