He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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