listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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