Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
