On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
