I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
