Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
