I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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