I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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