remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
