i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
