Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i believe in u and ur pee
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
