I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize