If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Be still, my beating vagina.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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