Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize