I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm really busy with my period
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