So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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