I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
