apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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