I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
did you just send me my own nude
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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