my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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