Who wears a wallet chain?!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
