Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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