Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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