Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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