you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
