did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
