Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
