The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
