I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
