it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
