I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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