I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
