i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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