What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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