Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
