Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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