Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
