im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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