You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
This is the prime rib incident all over again
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
