I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
