Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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