Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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